When you first meet your spouse, aside from physical attraction, oddly enough one of the first things that typically attracts you to him/her is something about him that is different from you. Sometimes it is something he has that you don't and wish you did. Or sometimes it is something he lacks that you already have. For example, when I first met Scott while dancing at a wedding reception, aside from his good looks :), I noticed that he was not near as good at dancing as I was. Some dancers might find that unattractive and mildly annoying in a spouse. But to me, I found it very cute. It was one of the first things that attracted me to him. It was so adorable watching him try to figure out the basic steps and tempo of the waltz while I didn't even have to think about what I was doing. All I was left to do was just follow and enjoy how cute he was as he nervously chewed his gum and simultaneously tried to impress me with his waltzing skills... but I'm getting off topic...
Anyways, this type of scenario is not too uncommon because it often makes you feel better about your self when you are with him or her. Just as I felt particularly talented while dancing with Scott, some funny people might feel extra funny in front of the hopelessly unfunny. Or the outgoing ones might feel extra confident next to the helplessly shy.
Do you see what I mean?
And of course, to complete the attraction circle, this scenario also works in reverse. Many (and it could very well be the majority of people) become attracted to their spouse because of something he or she has that they do not and wish they did. This is where the shy reciprocate the attraction to the out-going, and the unfunny ones fall in love with the funny ones. Isn't it just wonderful?! This way the shy people have their own personal question-asker and the funny ones have their own personal laughing audience wherever they go. Everybody wins! In this scenario, when you see something in someone that you wish you had, you find yourself admiring him because of it and you can't help but want to be around him more. You want to learn more about him, why he is the way he is, how he got so good at whatever it is you admire about him, and how you can be more like that.
I think it is safe to say that both of these cases probably happen to every couple at some point in their courtship. It just depends on which scenario or characteristic captures your attention first. And that often depends on the situation you are in when you meet your future spouse and what traits you choose to focus on in a person/potential spouse you just met.
After these initial phases of attraction, your interest in that person is strengthened as you discover things that you two have in common. These commonalities that you have with your spouse are what will hold your relationship together. That is why it is so important that these commonalities be AT LEAST those things that are most important. Like family values, political views, religious views, character traits, social behavior, life long goals and future expectations. Now, you may be thinking, "No way! So and so and I absolutely LOVE to snowboard (or other activity) together and that is what has kept our marriage together!" Sure, enjoying an activity together that you both enjoy is very important in keeping the love between you alive. But what if that was all you had in common. Your relationship would not last very long at all. Because joy in an activity is only there when you are doing that activity. Once it is over, you see who the person really is and suddenly you aren't so interested. In the end, commonalities in pop culture, music, books, activities, and movies are just icing on the cake. They are still important, because you have to have the icing, otherwise the cake is not a complete cake. But the icing is not what holds the cake together, the cake is.
Anyway, I find all of this very fascinating because perspectives always change after you have been married awhile. Sure, you still love the person and admire those things that first attracted you to him or her, but then you start to notice flaws that you never saw while you were engaged and dating. And here is where is gets really interesting. Because you start to find yourself in time of disagreement or struggle thinking things like, "If only so-and-so would be like **this** then everything would be perfect!" Or "How did so-and-so and I ever get married, when clearly he/she needs someone like **this** and I need someone like **this**?" Or even, "In order for me to make so-and-so happy I am going to have to completely change who I am!" And there is the big question:
In order to make a marriage last, do you really have to "completely change" who you are?
The answer, is yes and no. :) You didn't expect it to be a simple and easy answer did you? Don't forget, this is marriage we are talking about: it's complicated.
Anyway, the answer is partly no because you DON'T and shouldn't need to "completely change" your interests, your values, your personality, or even your appearance (although I will say that everyone should always try to be their best, healthiest self). But you DO need to change a huge part about yourself: your flaws.
At this point, some of you reading this are probably thinking, "Well, DUH! Of course you need to change your flaws!" But you would be surprised how many people think that they should just be able to "be themselves," flaws and all, around their spouse all the time because that is what a good marriage is. But that is where they are slightly mistaken. Yeah, we have all heard the saying that "marriage is like being yourself, only with someone else" or however it goes. And that is true! But this does not imply that you should never have to change anything about yourself throughout your marriage. I know it sounds like the saying implies that, but it doesn't. And anyone who thinks they should be able to sail through marriage without changing and improving their flaws is seriously kidding themselves. And this is why.
One of the main purposes of marriage, aside from establishing a solid foundation to raise a family and providing the wonderful promise of love and companionship for the rest of eternity, is to give us the opportunity to grow and become perfected. That is why marriage is one of the hardest, continual trials that people have to experience. Because marriage, when treated respectfully and honorably, perfects people. When a man and woman love and respect each other enough to commit his and her life to one another, and each offers 100% to the other, only then can the perfection process begin. But, perfection does not come easily. It requires a whole lot of work and a whole lot of time. More time than we have to live on this earth.
But once again I am getting a little carried away. I tend to do that sometimes. The whole reason why I wrote this post and began with talking about complimentary differences is because of this realization that I have gradually come to in my marriage: it is only through the perfecting process of marriage that we learn to become the person our spouse needs with the desirable qualities that we currently lack. In other words, what we are bad at, is the very thing that our spouse needs us to work on, to support them. So what better incentive to develop those qualities than to make happy the very person you love and admire? It is one of those happy coincidences. I mean there are always those things that you are already inherently good at that attracted your spouse to you and vice versa. But it is through knowing each other on a deeper level, the marriage and endurance part, that brings to the surface those things you need to work on, to be the ultimate, ideal partner for your spouse. It involves a lot of humility. A lot of "discussions". A lot of realizations. And a lot of moments when the bottom line is simply, "Well, I can be angry, defend myself, and hold on stubbornly to what
I think is right, or I can swallow my pride, say I am sorry, and admit that there may be some things I need to change that I am not completely aware of right now." And as we all know, it is ALWAYS better to have peace, than to be right.
I love my husband, Scottie. And I honestly cannot wait for the day, however far into eternity it might be, that I finally learn to become the literal
perfect wife that he needs. And I know he would say the same to me. That is what makes marriage last.
