Marriage Is A Wonderfully Crazy Thing

When you first meet your spouse, aside from physical attraction, oddly enough one of the first things that typically attracts you to him/her is something about him that is different from you. Sometimes it is something he has that you don't and wish you did. Or sometimes it is something he lacks that you already have. For example, when I first met Scott while dancing at a wedding reception, aside from his good looks :), I noticed that he was not near as good at dancing as I was. Some dancers might find that unattractive and mildly annoying in a spouse. But to me, I found it very cute. It was one of the first things that attracted me to him. It was so adorable watching him try to figure out the basic steps and tempo of the waltz while I didn't even have to think about what I was doing. All I was left to do was just follow and enjoy how cute he was as he nervously chewed his gum and simultaneously tried to impress me with his waltzing skills... but I'm getting off topic...
Anyways, this type of scenario is not too uncommon because it often makes you feel better about your self when you are with him or her. Just as I felt particularly talented while dancing with Scott, some funny people might feel extra funny in front of the hopelessly unfunny. Or the outgoing ones might feel extra confident next to the helplessly shy.

Do you see what I mean?

And of course, to complete the attraction circle, this scenario also works in reverse. Many (and it could very well be the majority of people) become attracted to their spouse because of something he or she has that they do not and wish they did. This is where the shy reciprocate the attraction to the out-going, and the unfunny ones fall in love with the funny ones. Isn't it just wonderful?! This way the shy people have their own personal question-asker and the funny ones have their own personal laughing audience wherever they go. Everybody wins! In this scenario, when you see something in someone that you wish you had, you find yourself admiring him because of it and you can't help but want to be around him more. You want to learn more about him, why he is the way he is, how he got so good at whatever it is you admire about him, and how you can be more like that.

I think it is safe to say that both of these cases probably happen to every couple at some point in their courtship. It just depends on which scenario or characteristic captures your attention first. And that often depends on the situation you are in when you meet your future spouse and what traits you choose to focus on in a person/potential spouse you just met.  

After these initial phases of attraction, your interest in that person is strengthened as you discover things that you two have in common. These commonalities that you have with your spouse are what will hold your relationship together. That is why it is so important that these commonalities be AT LEAST those things that are most important. Like family values, political views, religious views, character traits, social behavior, life long goals and future expectations. Now, you may be thinking, "No way! So and so and I absolutely LOVE to snowboard (or other activity) together and that is what has kept our marriage together!" Sure, enjoying an activity together that you both enjoy is very important in keeping the love between you alive. But what if that was all you had in common. Your relationship would not last very long at all. Because joy in an activity is only there when you are doing that activity. Once it is over, you see who the person really is and suddenly you aren't so interested. In the end, commonalities in pop culture, music, books, activities, and movies are just icing on the cake. They are still important, because you have to have the icing, otherwise the cake is not a complete cake. But the icing is not what holds the cake together, the cake is.

Anyway, I find all of this very fascinating because perspectives always change after you have been married awhile. Sure, you still love the person and admire those things that first attracted you to him or her, but then you start to notice flaws that you never saw while you were engaged and dating. And here is where is gets really interesting. Because you start to find yourself in time of disagreement or struggle thinking things like, "If only so-and-so would be like **this** then everything would be perfect!" Or "How did so-and-so and I ever get married, when clearly he/she needs someone like **this** and I need someone like **this**?" Or even, "In order for me to make so-and-so happy I am going to have to completely change who I am!" And there is the big question:

In order to make a marriage last, do you really have to "completely change" who you are?

The answer, is yes and no. :) You didn't expect it to be a simple and easy answer did you? Don't forget, this is marriage we are talking about: it's complicated.

Anyway, the answer is partly no because you DON'T and shouldn't need to "completely change" your interests, your values, your personality, or even your appearance (although I will say that everyone should always try to be their best, healthiest self). But you DO need to change a huge part about yourself: your flaws.

At this point, some of you reading this are probably thinking, "Well, DUH! Of course you need to change your flaws!" But you would be surprised how many people think that they should just be able to "be themselves," flaws and all, around their spouse all the time because that is what a good marriage is. But that is where they are slightly mistaken. Yeah, we have all heard the saying that "marriage is like being yourself, only with someone else" or however it goes. And that is true! But this does not imply that you should never have to change anything about yourself throughout your marriage. I know it sounds like the saying implies that, but it doesn't. And anyone who thinks they should be able to sail through marriage without changing and improving their flaws is seriously kidding themselves. And this is why.

One of the main purposes of marriage, aside from establishing a solid foundation to raise a family and providing the wonderful promise of love and companionship for the rest of eternity, is to give us the opportunity to grow and become perfected. That is why marriage is one of the hardest, continual trials that people have to experience. Because marriage, when treated respectfully and honorably, perfects people. When a man and woman love and respect each other enough to commit his and her life to one another, and each offers 100% to the other, only then can the perfection process begin. But, perfection does not come easily. It requires a whole lot of work and a whole lot of time. More time than we have to live on this earth.

But once again I am getting a little carried away. I tend to do that sometimes. The whole reason why I wrote this post and began with talking about complimentary differences is because of this realization that I have gradually come to in my marriage: it is only through the perfecting process of marriage that we learn to become the person our spouse needs with the desirable qualities that we currently lack. In other words, what we are bad at, is the very thing that our spouse needs us to work on, to support them. So what better incentive to develop those qualities than to make happy the very person you love and admire? It is one of those happy coincidences. I mean there are always those things that you are already inherently good at that attracted your spouse to you and vice versa. But it is through knowing each other on a deeper level, the marriage and endurance part, that brings to the surface those things you need to work on, to be the ultimate, ideal partner for your spouse. It involves a lot of humility. A lot of "discussions". A lot of realizations. And a lot of moments when the bottom line is simply, "Well, I can be angry, defend myself, and hold on stubbornly to what I think is right, or I can swallow my pride, say I am sorry, and admit that there may be some things I need to change that I am not completely aware of right now." And as we all know, it is ALWAYS better to have peace, than to be right.

I love my husband, Scottie. And I honestly cannot wait for the day, however far into eternity it might be, that I finally learn to become the literal perfect wife that he needs. And I know he would say the same to me. That is what makes marriage last.

And it continues...

So...Scottie and I have moved into our new place. It was (excuse my language) H-E-double-Barbie-legs to move down here from our bigger apartment into this smaller one but we made it happen. :) We figured out a way to fit our dressers into our closet so that we have more room in our bedroom. Yay! Now we are just trying to figure out how to keep it cool with the humidity at a livable level. We are also in the apartments closest to University Parkway so...WE HEAR EVERYTHING!!! Every car that goes by makes a lovely long sound. Fortunately it is not that bad when the windows are closed, but every now and then some crazy college students zoom by making a lot of annoying noise and we are reminded where we live. :) Fortunately though the sound is like white noise now, so we have made due. Everything looks the best we can make it and is pretty much put in its place except for the fact that we have no couch. :) We have been sitting on camping chairs for...hmmm...at least a good month or so. But it has actually been ok. Camping chairs are a lot more comfortable then you may think; except ours are breaking now so we have to be a little careful. : /

The good news about all of this is that we know what couch we are getting, we just have to bring it to our house. And I am living now right across the street from where I work and go to school!!! So for my 7:30am ballet class, I can wake up at 7:00am and still make it there fairly on time. I don't have my make up on and I have to run across creation to get there, but hey, it works. : D
Scottie does have a significantly longer commute than he used to. But after considering that he was the one who told us that we should move down to Provo for my schooling and also the fact that I have already asking him a billion times if he is ok with it, upon which he kept responding, "Yes! Please stop asking me!" I have discovered that I have a wonderful sacrificing man for a husband and I could not have asked for more. He is so loyal and helpful to me, I do not know what I would do without him. :)

So...it continues. Scott goes to work, I go to school and that is pretty much it for now. :) And despite our more inexpensive apartment we do like it. It is quaint and cute…just a little smaller than we are used to. Plus, the ward is fabulous! After the first day was a little odd because we felt like a couple of clones (we are going to a married-student-ward now) but after getting used to that initial change we are good. We like being around people who are in our same situation; it makes us not feel so young or along. The only thing I miss is the primary kids! A ward is not a ward with the cute primary children! I love family wards and I am excited to get back into one. But for now I am excited to created memories with the married student ward. I am currently the new ward organist. Yay! I just have to figure a couple things out about the organ and I can still play it, even if I don’t know the feet yet. I am excited! It is going to be great!

We have done some pretty fun things this summer though and I plan on posting pictures soon. Hopefully. :) But for now it’s just keep swimming, just keep swimming...and smiling occasionally. :)

Changes

Well, much has changed since my last post. The big changes are that I am not on the BYU Ballroom Dance Team anymore and my husband and I are moving.

Being on the Ballroom Dance team has kind of been the one thing that has defined my college experience. And it has been wonderful!!! Really. I have loved dancing on the team and being part of the top collegiate ballroom dance team in the nation. It really has been an honor. However, the reason I am not on the team anymore is because I had reached my 2 year quota on one of the back teams without being moved up to the next level. In short, I didn't make the last cut. A part of me is very sad. I know that as soon as everyone comes back into full swing during the fall, I will go through huge withdrawls. But another good part of me is very relieved. It cost a lot of time and effort to be a part of the team. Some effort that I think I could have done without. But I ended the year on a good note. Our last concert was phenomenal and I feel like I got as much out of it as I possible could. I just hope I can endure the rest of the year.

Scott and I are also moving back to Provo. Living in South Jordan, about an hour away (on the bus) from school has been kind of tricky to work with my homework schedule. We are moving back to Provo so that it will be easier for me to meet my academic needs. I am scheduled to graduate in Fall of 2013 in Math Education. So have a little while to go. As soon as I am done with my degree we will move out of Provo. I want to move because it will be much easier for me, but I don't want to leave my apartment in South Jordan. It is such a nice apartment set is such a nice area. I am not a fan of the Provo area. But I guess that is what has to happen if I am going to get decent grades in my major.

Now that I do not have my commitments to the ballroom dance team I feel that I am a selfish person unless I begin having children right away. I DO want children!!! Definielty! But there is also so much I want before children come into my life. I already have plans to do a great cabaret routine with a good friend of mine from high school. Ok. I know. That is selfish. I have no idea what I am going to do. Hopefully I will figure it out soon. :)

In the meanwhile, I am enjoying my major more than I thought I would. :)

 

General Conference

Twice a year I am taught about a dozen valuable lessons in the course of two days. Often times I do not remember every lesson I was taught, but a few thoughts always stick with me. Recently, for the first time in 2011, the 181^st Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was held on April 2-3. This is the special occasion of instruction that I am speaking of. Of the 20 or so talks that were given by General Authorities and Officers of the Church, two particular talks have settled with me: First, Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk called “Desire” and second, Elder David A. Bednar spoke of, “The Spirit of Revelation.” I hope any and all who read this response may feel the Holy Spirit as I share my thoughts with you.

“Desire,” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

            I have always enjoyed Elder Oaks’ speeches because he often touches on the deeper doctrine of the Church. For example, in his latest General Conference address his spoke about the importance of desires and how they lead our lives. In the beginning he outlined this fact stating that, “Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming,” (“Desires”, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, General Conference, April, 2011). This outline has helped me to shape the priorities in my life. After conference, I found myself thinking about my choices in a different way. Instead of worrying about what to do, I weighed the strength of my different desires and chose the option (the best option) that I desired more. I have also learned that when weighing desires it is important to understand how time plays a role. For example, this past Sunday I had the desire to do my homework that I did not finish earlier in the week. It was one of the last assignments of the semester and I wanted to make sure I had given my best effort. I also had a desire to keep the Sabbath day holy and thought that perhaps I should instead do something more spiritual. However, after pondering, praying and trying to listen to the spirit I thought that at that time, I could finish my homework at the end of the Sabbath day after first devoting most of the day to rest and spiritual renewal. Though I do have a desire to always keep the Sabbath day holy, there are times when “the ox is in the mire” so to speak, and our desire to fulfill important duties may outweigh other important desires.

“The Spirit of Revelation” by Elder David A. Bednar 

            I cannot express in words my gratitude for the counsel Elder Bednar gave in his talk on revelation. I have been struggling recently with personal revelation and understanding how the Holy Spirit works in my life; his talk was an answer to my prayers. He spoke of how the spirit of revelation can work in a couple of different ways: It can either come suddenly, all at once, like turning on a light switch in a dark room, or it can come gradually, little by little, like a sun rising on a cloudy day. This analogy helped me to look at revelation in a new light, no pun intended. I realize now that most often my personal revelation is revealed to me like the rising of a sun on a cloudy day, little by little. I have learned to recognize the small and simple confirmations I receive about choices in my life each day. For example, every so often I have feelings of peace about where I am in my progression towards graduation, what activities I am involved with, and the wonderful husband that I married.

            I am eternally grateful for the Church in my life. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and that Joseph Smith restored the gospel on this earth. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live and that they love me. I only hope I can learn to follow their examples.

First Day!

Ok, so this is my first day as a blogger. I have heard about it, read other people's blogs and now I have decided, after much pondering that it would be wise to start one of my own. So hear is my life today: 

I am at school. A lot. And I will be at school for pretty much the next 2-3 years. I am already a junior, but I still have a long ways to go because it took me so dang long to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am a Math Education major because I LOVE teaching and I want to make Math fun for kids. And also because I know that it will be a good job for a mother, which will be my first and foremost job of my life. I just started Math Ed. this semester and it is hard. Math is very, very hard!! But it is ok, (deep breath) I can get through this because I know in the long run whether I know how to do derivatives or limits or not will not matter and what will truly matter is whether I can get some kid to sit still and listen. ;) I love kids and I want to spend my time teaching them valuable lessons that will help them in their lives. So, with that note, I have to back to doing more math. :( Don't get me wrong...I love math...when I understand it. :) But right now, it is really hard to understand, so it is more annoying then fun. One day this will all pay off. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...and occasionally... smiling! 

Abbylynn